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A random flash of a spanked bottom on the steps leading to school arouses a curiosity of a budding self-admitted pervert. And now he wants to hear the whole story behind that spanking...
Well, it's supposed to be light novel-like; from what I've gleamed, those tend to use short paragraphs that follow the main character's thought, which are not guaranteed to be coherent.
I had no problem with the formatting, it's not like its supposed to be a textbook. Thought it was a pretty good, interesting story. Enjoyed the ending!
It's an interesting story, but it seems to take alot of cues from another story already here. Perhaps its because I read them so close together, but alot of the concept is the same.
Breakfire: I haven't read any of the other stories until I submitted my own -- specifically to avoid "taking cues" as you say. Any similarities should be accidental, probably stemming from the fact that all stories are based on the same picture and the same guidelines.
I'm not really sure but I downloaded the story as a text file and the lines seems to be irregular length and require extensive horizontal scrolling in some cases :/
zeraga: What do you view the file in? I thought any decent viewer should have the "wrap lines" option. Most of my stories here are written the same way, and no one complained about the formatting before, that's why I was puzzled by your comment.
Hey hey! I really liked the spanking scenario that you came up with. The description, visuals and characters of the girls seemed right on point (during the spanking buildup and spanking scene). However, your main character, though you did declare his age which is good, still seemed a bit older than he should be through the narration. I have not been a young boy, so I'm not sure how perverted they can be, or how knowledgeable they are about girls and sex at that age, but it seemed a tad unrealistic. For example, the rules that you put in every now and again were a cute and creative touch, but the rules themselves to me were a bit unrealistic and demeaning. For example, the head pat rule. I'm sure there are some submissive women who would like that, but I doubt a little girl would like to be patted on the head by a boy that's close to their age. Even if they do, the girls seemed a bit too accepting of his manipulation, and it made me a little uneasy. I know you were writing from a boy's perspective, but keep in mind your female characters and what they would do realistically, otherwise it's a little distracting. I did like, however, your style in how you switched back and forth between the story telling and the actual girls' story itself. It almost felt like a movie in that way, and provided a nice variation throughout.
Nerine: I believe that it's allowed to make a main character in light novel a bit more thoughtful/intelligent/knowledgeable than usual, especially if he's young - it makes him more relatable to readers, who, in this case, are definitely older than him Also, he might be narrating from later time, and he might not exactly remember everything perfectly. He's a boy, he has a tendency to make himself better than in reality.
I agree with your point. However, when it comes to criticizing stories, everyone has their own taste and preferences, so people will read into things a little differently. You're right, some narrators can't be trusted with telling the complete truth; sometimes the truth is completely disregarded. Upon my first read through, I simply took the boy at face value.