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This is my entry to Fireball-san's contest, I hope you all like it ^ ____ ^ I know I'm not good so.....hopefully you enjoy "Sakura No Kokoro" or Sakura Hearts
This is my first time doing this sort of thing, I don't expect my story to be good but at least out of all the people on here, I'm doing something about it and to have fun with it and I don't mind criticism whether good or bad but with the way you are expressing it, it just makes you sound like a troll, if you think you can do better than by all means go ahead.
Don't get beaten by this sort of things, LilAhriChan. You'll improve. For starters, I'd recommend thinking a bit more about paragraphs -- the story is one long line, and even with wrap, the reader's eyes get tired without paragraph breaks and he'll lose the thread; moreso because light novels tend to contain short paragraphs with lots of dialogues. Also, some of the sentences are overly long, crossing over to "stream of consciousness" style when you chain things together without pause as they happen -- this doesn't work well here.
Hey hey! I thought your story was adorable! I read the other comments made on your work, and I kind of want to expand on that. Here's a tip that helps me a lot when I write. Read through your story out loud. Most of the editing errors you have will be caught by your ear. For example, when you pause naturally in a sentence, that's normally where a comma should be placed. Also, laying out your work in paragraphs, making sure that tenses match, etc., will help readers enjoy the ideas you come up with!
