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File Name: The Bandits (16.9 KB) Download
Author: aka (Uploaded by aka)
Date Added: May 16th, 2009
Downloads: 116
Grade: A+
Description
Here's the sequel to my first story, Coming up Short (link: https://animeotk.com/forum/downloads.php?do=file&id=1103). Here, Jessica and Vincent hunt down the bandits. Enjoy! M/F, belt
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Comments
gin
May 19th, 2009 at 02:32 AM
Okay, this is very well written story. There's a pretty decent level of detail, and as regards Jessica good characterisation. She's selfish, arrogant, bratty and short sighted, but she has some good qualities and still comes off as likeable.

But I have 2 problems.

The first is really just a nitpick, but the bandits hideout was really easily found, I mean the village already knew where it was. I understand the bandits probably didn't see the village as a threat, but man, how stupid do you get. You'd think the first rule of being a thief is not be anywhere someone can find you. But like I said this is just a nitpick.

My real problem is that Vincent and his mother come across as really unlikeable. I think its because they don't do a whole lot besides boss Jessica around and spank her. I mean her debt to the mother is seven lousy silver pennies and surely eliminating a bandit menance (who the mother admitted were hurting her business too) is worth allot more than that. (also she said the spanking didn't count for paying the debt, so if Jessica hadn't been there to kill the bandits I wonder what she planned to do afterwards)

Don't get me wrong, Jessica deserved what she got, especially that second time with Vincent, but I still feel she's being treated badly. Threatening to spank her if she kept whining seemed mean, I mean she was in pain already (and its not like she was trying to scam the mother, she thought she could pay but underestimated the price, I mean I've been in line at the supermarket and had to put back beens), and its not like she asked to work with him either. And the whole geass forcing her to give up the money she would have gotten just seems cruel. I mean firstly she'll have nothing to show her master when she gets back, probably leading to further punishment, and secondly I find myself hoping her master is fairly close or else she might not even get back. She didn't have enough money to pay for one inn, and now she has to find 3 houses of healing, give all her money to them, and then go home. I'm aware her backpack may be full again, but I presume it was full when she started, and she arrived into town hungry and barely able to walk.

Additionally I play to much D&D, so the idea that you shouldn't keep money that you loot from bandits you kill strikes me as plainly immoral, and bone chilling (the whole game economy is based on doing just that).
I also find the mothers argument hypocritical, I mean whether its going to benefit Jessica or the house of healing, its still stolen money being used by someone who doesn't own it. Just because its being given to a good cause doesn't make it somehow more moral. (Granted there's no practical way to return it to the original owners obviously, and it will probably do more good in their hands than in hers, but it still bothers me).

I'm giving the story an A, because it is very well written and I imagine most of my complaints are shared only by me, but quite frankly I didn't much enjoy reading it.
aka
May 20th, 2009 at 04:33 AM
You raise some good points. After considering them, you're probably right, this was rather poorly executed. I'll put a bit more thought into issues like these in any future stories. Thanks for the feedback!
Hellball
October 12th, 2009 at 03:56 PM
Jessica definitely deserved it this time!

I agree with gin that Vincent could have been more likable, though. On the other hand, I wouldn't be opposed to Jessica suffering further (deserved or otherwise) punishments in the future.
Ai404
February 2nd, 2010 at 04:35 PM
Good story. The only "cons" I found was that the spanking were maybe too close. It's always good to wait a little between two spanking.
Except that, it's all good. The description of the spanking are perfect.


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