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File Name: Responsibilities (52.0 KB) Download
Author: Passionate Shadow (Uploaded by Passionate Shadow)
Date Added: May 23rd, 2013
Downloads: 121
Grade: Not Rated
Description
Responsibilities

This was going to be my entry to the contest however I got too sick to finish it. I figured why keep the rough draft to my self? ;3


Here's my rough draft of the story! It's About an older Brother by the name of Kenji and his younger sister Karasu and the responsibilities of doing your home work. This was also written to be a two to three parter; this being the first part. The spanking scene is m/f . Enjoy ~
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Comments
Nerine
May 28th, 2013 at 03:17 AM
I liked the scenario that you wrote in relation to the picture your story was inspired by. The girl was cute, rebellious, and clever (though her plans didn't pan out). You were one of the few who wrote a spanking scene outside, which is fun and unexpected. Some constructive criticism: make sure to read through your story one last time to make sure that punctuation, word choice, etc. are correct. Since the story was so short, editing errors made it seem like the story was rushed a bit. Even still, it was a cute story.
Leonid
May 28th, 2013 at 03:19 PM
Have to agree, a lot of the sentences felt unnatural because they were too lengthy, with few or no punctuation marks. Same could be said for paragraphs, some feature too many things running and parallel and some little at all, so the narrative pace is ellusive- hard to follow at times, and others feeling as if rushing through events. Be mindful as well of certain words (like the ones where there are reduplication of vowels) or those ones that have others which are very similar sounding, but have completely different meaning. Word correctors don't get them, and they look real bad on the final product.

Other than that, the story itself is upbeat and relatable to, with likeable characters and a premise a lot of readers will no doubt be familiar to.


DownloadsII 5.1.2 by CyberRanger & Jelle
Based on ecDownloads 4.1 © Ronin

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