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**lonewolf86** · September 6th, 2019, 12:47 AM

Thanks for taking the time to look at the first chapter of my Overwatch story. It was my first attempt at writing fiction and the story has evolved a fair bit since the first chapter. But to respond to each of your points:

First: I'll fix the double spacing when I get the chance. Wish I could just copy and paste my text to the sites and keep the formatting. Not sure if there is a way of not.

Second: I probably do the past and present tense usage wrong throughout my chapters. But why wouldn't what the person says be present tense and the Tag bit be in past?

Third: I think the lack of the comma was an oversight that was missed during my proof reading.

Fourth: My dinosaur of an English teacher taught us that the comma was optional, so I don't use it.

Fifth: I think I cut down on the multiple punctuation marks in the future chapters but still use the TAG after with the punctuation too. I'll try to fix this going forward.

Sixth: I'll try to fix the awkwardness of some of the phrasing.

Seventh: I'm not sure how often I use though at the end of a sentence but I'll try not to end a sentence with it.

Eighth: A quote within a quote, missed that instance of her quoting him. Not sure if I've had that problem in later chapters.

Ninth: Character prominence in a paragraph isn't something I've thought of and will try to fix in the future.

Tenth: Spelling error missed in proof read, oops.

Eleventh: Yep, overlooked indeed.

Twelvth: I will spell out numbers in the future.

Thirteenth: Never thought of dashes as a stutter, I'll fix going forward.

Fourteenth: Will fix in the future if I haven't already. *sob*

Fifteenth: I definitely need someone else to proof read to catch all my errors.

Sixteenth: Canadian

Seventeenth: I do use euphemisms and colloquialisms throughout the story but I think the example that your provided wasn't implemented as well as the rest of them.

Eighteenth: As this was my first fiction ever, I assumed my reader base was already familiar with Overwatch. I agree, I should have assumed my readers aren't familiar at all. The openening was slow due to me being an inexperienced writer and definitely left some questions unanswered.

Nineteenth: I think I poorly placed my idea of how she behaves and how she should behave together. Not sure if I did a better job in later chapters however.

I use cliff hangers a fair bit, maybe too much? The story has shifted from have a spanking in every chapter for whatever reason to have a chapter telling a story that happens to have a spanking in it.The M/F, F/F and X/F tagging for the story was meant to be for the story at large not the particular chapter. I think it may have been my unfamiliarity with the website leading to the mistake.

Thanks for the second set of eyes review, I greatly appreciate it.

September 6th, 2019, 12:47 AM	#7
lonewolf86 Senior Member lonewolf86 is offline Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Canada Posts: 282	Thanks for taking the time to look at the first chapter of my Overwatch story. It was my first attempt at writing fiction and the story has evolved a fair bit since the first chapter. But to respond to each of your points: First: I'll fix the double spacing when I get the chance. Wish I could just copy and paste my text to the sites and keep the formatting. Not sure if there is a way of not. Second: I probably do the past and present tense usage wrong throughout my chapters. But why wouldn't what the person says be present tense and the Tag bit be in past? Third: I think the lack of the comma was an oversight that was missed during my proof reading. Fourth: My dinosaur of an English teacher taught us that the comma was optional, so I don't use it. Fifth: I think I cut down on the multiple punctuation marks in the future chapters but still use the TAG after with the punctuation too. I'll try to fix this going forward. Sixth: I'll try to fix the awkwardness of some of the phrasing. Seventh: I'm not sure how often I use though at the end of a sentence but I'll try not to end a sentence with it. Eighth: A quote within a quote, missed that instance of her quoting him. Not sure if I've had that problem in later chapters. Ninth: Character prominence in a paragraph isn't something I've thought of and will try to fix in the future. Tenth: Spelling error missed in proof read, oops. Eleventh: Yep, overlooked indeed. Twelvth: I will spell out numbers in the future. Thirteenth: Never thought of dashes as a stutter, I'll fix going forward. Fourteenth: Will fix in the future if I haven't already. sob Fifteenth: I definitely need someone else to proof read to catch all my errors. Sixteenth: Canadian Seventeenth: I do use euphemisms and colloquialisms throughout the story but I think the example that your provided wasn't implemented as well as the rest of them. Eighteenth: As this was my first fiction ever, I assumed my reader base was already familiar with Overwatch. I agree, I should have assumed my readers aren't familiar at all. The openening was slow due to me being an inexperienced writer and definitely left some questions unanswered. Nineteenth: I think I poorly placed my idea of how she behaves and how she should behave together. Not sure if I did a better job in later chapters however. I use cliff hangers a fair bit, maybe too much? The story has shifted from have a spanking in every chapter for whatever reason to have a chapter telling a story that happens to have a spanking in it.The M/F, F/F and X/F tagging for the story was meant to be for the story at large not the particular chapter. I think it may have been my unfamiliarity with the website leading to the mistake. Thanks for the second set of eyes review, I greatly appreciate it.