[aka]

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I've just played through this a few times, and it was a ton of fun. Well written, and with lots of fun scenarios. I would definitely encourage you to keep making games.


Little too much exposition at the beginning. I would replace that with some
dialogue. This will allow you to more quickly establish the player's
and Sierra's personalities. I like to treat stories and games as something
for players to discover, and exposition doesn't do that. This isn't a big deal though. The
exposition is short and painless.



I did stumble across some bugs:

 

In the old city subway car, the line "Finally, sobbing and sore, she releases
you" doesn't say what I think you intend to say. It suggests that your
disciplinarian is sobbing and sore, when you clearly intended the player and
her friend. Something like "Finally, when the two of you are sobbing and
sore, she releases" would make more sense.

After successfully bringing the tablet to the sarcophagous, there is a line that
says "True is not defined."

Found another True is not defined if you're caught by staff past the rope barrier.



After the discipline through the ages scene, when you're told to wait in the corner, I press continue, and end up the same place I was, but without any links.

At one point in the natural history path, the game claims you're wearing
yoga pants. At another point, during your escape, the game
claims you're wearing slacks.

In the Hairbrush competition, `"Kayla, are you ready to be spanked?" Ken asks her as she shifted nervously.`
should be `"Kayla, are you ready to be spanked?" Ken asks me as I shift nervously.` Also, the "asks her/you" is redundant. The dialogue makes it clear who is being asked.

From another point later in the scene:


You aren't fussing as much from any individual swat as she was before, but she
does look like she's having trouble keeping still. Her bottom is turning solid
red, but she is hanging in there.

You transition from second to third person in the middle. I think this is supposed to
be:

You aren't fussing as much from any individual swat as you were before, but you
are having trouble keeping still. Your bottom is turning solid red, but you are hanging in
there.

Similar here:

You try to hold on, but soon tears are flowing down her face.

should be:


You try to hold on, but soon tears are flowing down your face.

The wrong name was used during this scene at one point as well. I'm pretty sure that "Amy" here:

Amy, I have to say, you took that like a champ!

should be "Kayla."

At the school section, if you choose to "Wander Off" you get a poorly formatted paragraph of dialogue:

"Hey Sierra," you say, "I'm going to go sit down over here. Let me know
when you're ready to move on, yeah?" Sierra looks a little disappointed,
but nods. "Okay," she says. "I was hoping you'd come with me to see what
it's like, though." "That's okay," you say. "I like being able to sit,
thanks." Sierra laughs. "Okay, you big baby. I guess I'll see you when I'm
done." Then she turns and waits in the relatively short line. You wander
until you find a bench to sit on, which happens to be near the
demonstration, and pull out your phone

Each speaker should really get their own line of dialogue (which you've been following everywhere else, so I figure this is just a bug).

After wandering off, when you're watching the competition, in this line:

Sierra jumps from the shock and lets out a little yelp, knowing that she's in trouble right off the bat.

Personally, I would remove "knowing that she's in trouble right off the bat." It reads a little awkward to me, since you can't really look
inside Sierra's head. That being said, this might be tricky to fix since this is clearly fairly dynamic text (and I know how hard that can be to
get right), and this is as much a stylistic thing as anything else. I like to minimize the amount of time I spend describing a
character's headspace, but other people like to put more time into it, and that's fine.

Later in the same scene, you claim Amy is wearing jeans, but earlier you said she was wearing yoga pants.

The game is inconsistent about what kind of panties Sierra is wearing. In the scene after touching the dinosaurs, Sierra is wearing white lace
panties, while in the schoolroom scene she's wearing red panties I think (don't remember exactly, just that they're not white lace I think).

More inconsistent outfits. In the security room, your character is wearing jeans, while in the schoolroom your character is wearing yoga pants,
and at one point while going through the dinosaur exhibit your character is wearing slacks.

The time you spent in the museum doesn't reset between playthroughs.