Hey, cool you got your game done in time for the Game Jam! I had a ton of fun with this. It was silly and sexy, and follows a lot of the same patterns I use in my game. Inspiring people to make games in the style I like so that I can play them is kind of one of my reasons for writing Scarlet Moon in the first place. Glad to see that panning out!
Anyway, some feedback. These are basically notes I took as I played, so they're a bit stream of consciousness, but hopefully coherent.
First, I don't see anywhere an indication that this is licensed under CC-BY-SA? Not strictly necessary, because you're not actually using any of my stuff in the game itself. But it would be nice to see that if you do want it to be in the Scarlet Moon universe. If you're unsure how to license your game, let me know and I'll happily help you with it (it's not hard, just need a blurb somewhere at the beginning or end indicating the license). I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything. I just want to make it easy for myself and others to use material that exists in the Scarlet Moon universe. Once it's licensed, do you mind if I host your game on my site, under the short spanking games section? I will, of course give you all proper credit for your wonderful characters!
Whalopolis as a city name amuses me. Clearly a play on Whallop, but not so obvious
I cringe.
Clouds "hung" above the sky, not "hanged." "Hanged" is only used for the past
tense of execution by hanging:
"The clouds hung above the city on the day the murderer was hanged for crimes most foul."
Loved the description of the museum. Could stand to be broken into a couple more sentences,
but absolutely lovely.
A few sentences were a bit awkward. For example, "However, this seemingly old fashioned appearance hid a lot of modern utilities, in particular in the domain of security"
is a little bit awkward. I would suggest rewording as follows: "The old fashioned appearance belied many a
modern utility, especially state of the art security."
A bit of generic advice: Most of the time, I find that you can replace phrases like "starting to X" with just `Xed." For example, instead of ", her supernaturally enhanced reflexes started to kick in", it can be "her supernatural reflexes kicked in." This usually says the same thing, and is much more concise. The only time I keep "starting to" when I'm editing my work is if something is going to be interrupted, for example (not actual game text):
"Her supernatural instincts started to kick in, when a wave of ... *something* washed over her. Her stomach did backflips, and she realized with dawning horror that someone had turned off, or blocked her powers."
"alterning" should be "alternating" when dealing with the guard.
"as she finished to bind" shoul be "finished binding."
Generally, the prose could benefit from being split up into more sentences. I'm guilty of crafting these kinds of run on sentences too, and I have to work really hard to split them up.
"she managed to localize her goal" should be "she managed to locate her goal."
Razorback is great. Mostly because I can just imagine how *infuriated* Buzzsaw would be to meet this
"cheap knock-off" (her words, not mine)/ I can also imagine people getting Razorback confused with Buzzsaw, and pissing both of them off.
Clearly, somebody somewhere needs to write a game/fiction where Razorback and Buzzsaw meet, sparks fly and then they team up to wreak
unholy havoc that can only be stopped by Supernova and Scarlet Moon. Obviously of course, Scarlet Moon needs to the snarky Spider-Man version
to play off of Supernova's Silver Age Superman motif. Obviously.
Oh my God, when Velvet Paw is snarking off to Supernova, I just about died...
Is it weird if I'm hoping Supernova and Velvet Paw eventually start a relationship, with an exasperated
Supernova trying (and failing, repeatedly) to keep Velvet Paw on the straight and narrow, and an
exasperated Velvet Paw trying (and failing, repeatedly) to keep Supernova from finding out about
her escapades?
If you try to talk your way out of the Supernova predicament when she first shows up, you end up with
a generic description that looks like an outline you intended to replace.
Love the roleplaying options. And this isn't just because I abuse them like crazy. For realsies.
At one point you say "Vevet Paws" instead of "Velvet Paws" (note the missing 'l' in 'Vevet').
Does Velvet Paw actually have stats that impact your choices right now, or is that a feature you plan on adding later?
All in all, this was a *ton* of fun. Definitively feels right at home in the Scarlet Moon universe.
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