OK, let me get this part out first: based on the Washuu/Ryoko fic you posted, you have two bad habits you'll want to curb in future writing. More than once, you have characters voicing their inner thoughts out loud. Fortunately, that's easy to fix: just remove the quote marks so it becomes their internal monologue instead. You may want to tweak the language when making the switch, but it shouldn't be hard. Your other problem is harder to deal with: too much of your spanking scene consists of sound effects.
Here my advice gets less specific because I don't have a precise method for writing them myself. However, although you can use sound effects, you want to use them sparingly. They're a poor way of marking time, and making the spanking seem longer. Try more descriptive text, and character reactions instead.
I like the Washuu/Ryoko pairing, but there are a few things you missed that I think would have made it stronger. The point of the fic (besides the spanking I mean) is that Ryoko winds up re-evaluating her attitude towards having a mother. So, rather than have Ryoko using 'mother' when she refers to Washuu, in the first part of the fic, she could just use her name instead. This gives her transition to thinking of Washuu as 'mom' more impact. Speaking of transitions, the moment Washuu goes from her child form to fully grown adult is potentially quite powerful. It deserved more than one line, I think.
I read your fic for the first time years ago, and I'm glad to see you're still at it. I'll be looking forward to seeing what you come up with next.
|
