Spellshaper

[mushishi]

Hello !

I just wrote this little something and while I'm thinking of what to do next, I thought I'll post it here to see if anyone is interested. Also, so I can get some advice... meaning I'd like you to tear this appart if you feel like it.
I think it's more usefull if you tell me about anything you think is wrong with it, but if you want to be positive I won't stop you.

I wanted it to make it so that it could almost be in the middle of a book (but just the best part for us)

Ideas on how to continue are wellcome, but do not expect that I'd do it that way.
If you'd like to continue change or borrow parts of the story however, it's not like I want to or can stop you, soo feel free. (it doesn't hold much value anyway)

Here it goes:

Spellshaper

Beig a Spellshaper is not easy. It never was, but this was the first time Kriemon hated what it meant. It meant that he couldn?t protect Lienna. It meant he couldn?t lie.

The thought was unworthy of him and of Lienna. The Law was made for a good reason, so the people of the realm did not have to fear Spellshapers with the Sight. The irony was that even though the Sight was the most well known of the Spellshapers abilities, Kriemon did not posess it. How he wished now that like others of his order he could Read the mind and the heart. But wishing didn?t make things happen, at least not for ordinary people.

Damn that king, the dragons eat him!- Kriemon murmured. Luckyly for everyone no dragon flew the skies in the last 100 years. Maybe they were napping. Kriemon hoped they never wake up. He had enough problems as it was, being an adviser , and teaching Lienna.

?His majesty wished the girl disciplined severely!? He felt anger rise up in him.
And I wished he didn?t drag my apprentice into his little plays with me.
?for daring to use magic on my royal family?
If you had cared to move your fat royal ass and disciplined your own sons they wouldn?t have dared to touch her.

Suddenly Kriemon was tired. No matter what kind of people they were they were the rulers of this country. Opposing them on this would only make Lienna suffer more. He was ordered to serve King Thobald as long as he is King, abadonning his post could mean death for him, even for Lienna.

He knew just what kind of discipline the King meant. He had seen the Master of Servants whip the womenfolk of the castle, and knew that even the princesses were not spared the rod. This particular custom sickened him, as females were beaten without a second thought, just in case so to say.

Kriemon hoped Lienna would understand. Not only with her mind but with her heart also, and wouldn?t hate him for this. With heavy heart he left his room to search for her.

[Exodus]

While going on the assumption that you build onto this event, I would say try to make it flow better. There are some tough transitions, some of which make me stop and lose my place.

Is this all inner monologue? Some descriptions of his location, surroundings, and even what the herald that announced the sentence looked like would be nice.

This:

?His majesty wished the girl disciplined severely!? He felt anger rise up in him.
And I wished he didn?t drag my apprentice into his little plays with me.
?for daring to use magic on my royal family?
If you had cared to move your fat royal ass and disciplined your own sons they wouldn?t have dared to touch her...

Was the most difficult paragraph. I'd suggest rewriting it, as it took me a little while to figure out what was going on. Differentiate between the speaker of Royalty and the narrator, etcetera. Simultaneous speech can be tricky, but it takes time.

I hope that helped.

[mushishi]

All comments are appreciated, and I'll try to make best use of them.

I actually realised one mistake I made afer posting, it should have been "his royal family" not "my royal family"

It was supposed to be just Kriemon alone in his room, thinking about the situation right after the herald left. I'll add a few sentences to clarify that, and do something about the descriptions at the same time.

Now that you mention it, I really have to do something with the scene, it all hangs in midair because of the lack of surroundings, and if I had stated that he is alone, than it might have been more effortless to interpret.

Since this was kind of describing a thinking process, I didn't want it to make it too linear.
I'd like to know about the other "rough transitions" or confusions you noticed, if you'll have time, (or any of you) but I'll also try to feel the "edges" myself.


Thank You for your time !

[amvguru]

Grammar and Spelling

Also use of interrobangs heavily is discouraged.

Also:"His majesty wished the girl disciplined severely!?"
vs
"His majesty wishes the girl disciplined!?"
Interrobang adds the level of severity to the inner voice.
So if you want to remove the interrobang than you can keep "severely"