Cripes, how did I miss you before?
For starters, you're the latest member of the "speaks English as a second language, but uses better grammar than most of the natives" club, so you needn't worry on that count. It's not perfect, but the biggest mistakes I could find were a handful of awkward phrases in 'God Save the Queen. If you write a story like that again, one round of pre-reading would be more than enough to fix them up.
God Save the Queen: I confess, out of entire Final Fantasy series, FF9's story made the least impression on me, so I was momentarily confused by the time-frame of your fic. I figured it out by the end, although it took me a few seconds to work out who Garnet was waiting for. That sort of 'mental pause' is likely to be longer for someone who's not familiar with the game, but it's not a deal breaker: the focus of the story is the relationship between Beatrix and Garnet and that comes through very well. The spanking itself gets very intense, which I often enjoy but has to be written carefully in non-consensual scenarios lest it wind up looking more like abuse. Fortunately, you handled that well. The emotional build-up is the key; it's one of the few times I actually bought the "spanking as emotional release" set-up. I do think some of the descriptions of Garnet's emotional state were a little much, though. I understand the desire to capture that sort of internal chaos, but you used too many words to do it; less repetition of phrases that all describe the same idea (i.e., she's angry, she's confused, etc.) would have made it tighter. But was it a good story? Absolutely.
To Live Another Day: And speaking of intense... Now here's a case where all the descriptive text--physical instead of mental this time--was warranted, since it serves to emphasize the narrator's heightened emotional state. The bond between Eliot and Malak is clearly a lot more complex than the one Garnet and Beatrix share, and Eliot's mixed emotions match my feelings about the story. It's consensual, and yet it can't be called an entirely positive experience. That sort of conflict make it difficult for me to fully enjoy it as a spanking story, but I do think it makes for a richer one, and there's something to be said for work that goes beyond a perfectly idealized fantasy.
Unfulfilled:Ironically, after all the talk about vividness, and intensity and description the shortest story wound up being my favorite. It's the sort of exercise you can only do once, but you completed a piece with fully-realized emotions and sensations in just over 300 words. I have to say, that's pretty damned impressive. Ignore any complaints you get that it doesn't make sense, because I assure you it is perfectly clear. You aren't obligated to clarify things for people who'd be better off brushing up on their reading comprehension.
I do hope you'll continue to write for us.
|
