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**AnimeFan23** · February 6th, 2008, 04:57 AM

Have you ever felt like there was something wrong with you? Like you were made different from everyone else? And I not just taking about having this Spanking Fetish I mean other reasons you feel so different so strange. There are times I hate myself so much for being this way and wishing I could change but never having the courage to do so. I don't know how to fully explain myself clearly but I'll try please bear with me I am a 21 year old girl I say girl because I don't feel like women yet, I am a very shy person which I believe is brought on by the fact that I am a big girl I believe the correct term is Morbidly Obese around 280 or so. Anyway because I was so self concious about it when I was younger I let it ruin my self esteem like when someone once asked me in High School if I would like to go out one day I said no because I thought he was setting me up for a joke I didn't know him but still to afraid to try because I thought it was a cruel joke. So now I am 21 and I have never been on a date,never been asked out on a date,never been kissed.After I graduted High School I just started working as a cashier at a grocery store and still am. And since then I have tried to talk more and sound confident but not to good at it at work I am now always smiling, cheerful,and kind to people I can never say anything mean about anyone and all my customers say I am such a sweet person but after work I am nothing. Because I am still to afraid to talk to people and I because of that I don't have much pratice and I don't know what to say. I don't know why I just don't believe there is a person for me who likes big girls loves to talk about videogames and anime and can start a conversation. I feel strange because I know what I have to do to change I just don't think I am capable of doing it. I am a 21 year old overweight Virgin with a spanking fetish. And I think I am a joke, I have a younger sister that knows about my fetish she's 17 now she's the complete opposite of me she,I wish I was like her. I just don't know how I am going to change. I chatted with someone here and they recently told me their fantasy came true and I was happy for them but I started to think I don't think that will ever happen for me, meeting someone who seems to be actually interested in me for me likes to talk about games and anime would be hard enough for me but then to risk it by telling them I like to be spanked!? Sometimes I think it would easier if I meet someone from here at least then I would know that they like anime and spanking and maybe I would be as nervous about that and I could work on the important stuff like learning to trust and open up to people that it possible for someone to care about me. I just really like this site and everyone has been so nice Southernlady and Barbossasdaughter to name a few I wanted to tell someone of you how I feel. I don't know am I really alone? Anyway thanks for reading.........................................

**Poesdaughter** · February 6th, 2008, 05:28 AM

I don't think anyone hasn't wanted to change something about themselves in their life time.

As far as being unnatural and a freak to be a virgin at 21? Who put that down as a rule? It sounds pretty silly to me. So what if you're not married with three kids yet? I would be more surprised if someone that age were. I know friends who have gotten married at that age, so yes I know it can happen but I think it's too fast...

Just simply being overweight is no reason not to have a relationship. There are many girls who are overweight who have very happy relationships and some of them having spanking fetishes too. I would say to go ahead and try a date the next time you're asked out. If it gets around to talking about sex, mention your interest. If that seems too embaressing...write a story or show them one you like that includes that.

Believe me, that works REALLY well.

**iconoclast** · February 6th, 2008, 06:22 AM

You are definitely not the only one. I know from personal experience how hard life can be when you're socially awkward and have low self-esteem. I think you're doing the right thing though. If you reach out, you'll find that there are people who are kind, supportive and understanding. They're out there, really! I've seen them, and not just is grainy, hand-held "Oh my god, is that a Bigfoot?" videos either.
Just don't give up on yourself. You listed a number of things in your post that you feel you have going against you. Every time you do that, try to list some things you have going for you. I'll start you off. From what I've read, you're obviously a very articulate and sensitive person, both qualities that the world could use more of, in my opinion. If that weren't enough, you're only 21 years old! There are so many oppurtinities waiting for you, so many possibilities that you haven't even thought of yet. Why, if I could go back in time and talk to myself at 21, I'd.....
.....well, I'd probably tell myself which teams to place sizable bets on in the 17 Super Bowls to come. But that's me.
The point is, you are definitely not alone in feeling the way you do. Just keep fighting and do whatever you have to in order to make life better for yourself.

**Stoner** · February 6th, 2008, 07:17 AM

lve experienced some parts of life, well to put it bluntly lve a colourful lovelife which never seems to go right and l have touched all bases more than once, however like yourself lm pretty much the same, given the chance l wouldnt even leave my bedroom, in general l hate ppl, altho thats more down to childhood than anything else, me l do have what can be considered a very weird fetish but l'll avert to mention it here... mainly because its prolly more weirder than spanking.

you are by no means the only person who feels like they might have grown up too quick, given the chance ld go back to being a kid because l dont think lm ready for all this work crap and money worries but sadly lm 25 and l dont have a choice.

**Circe** · February 6th, 2008, 09:56 PM

Liking yourself is a good first step. Seems like you've either listened to hecklers in your childhood, or you are assuming the heckling is occuring. Hecklers are usually people with the opportunity to verbally harm, they don't have to do it...but they chose to do it. It's easy and cheap entertainment for them, pop psychology aside, it's an moment to be superior regardless of truth.

People like that suck.

Back to you. Do you draw ? Do you write ? People usually are not born cool, they are either told they are cool or they become cool. Paris Hilton was told she's cool, doesn't mean she is, her money is cool, she isn't. Hayao Miyazaki doesn't look cool, he's just a normal middle aged dude from Japan, but his passion and his movies ARE cool. He became cool by making the world a cooler place to be.

If that made no sense, then what about this...which would you want ? To be a Jessica Alba/Simpson/Beil/Whoever clone ? Lots of personality-lacking wannabes already have tried that. Doesn't make them cool. Or would it be better to HAVE a personality ? Y'know, where people like being around you because they feel good being around you.

Perhaps a goal. A small one. Something achievable and quick. Like writing a review here about your favorite anime. A paragraph or two. You're a fan, chose Inuyasha. Give us an earful, go into detail, get technical. Few things feel as good as knowing a subject well, and sharing it with an interested audience. Expect some feedback, positive and negative. Don't take it personally. Support your opinion, but don't beat a dead horse, move on from there. New anime and challenges await !

We're waiting...
:-)

**Karnacht av Visp** · January 23rd, 2009, 10:07 AM

From what you've said you sound like an awesome person and someone I would totally dig. My problem is most of the women I know are boring twigs. Don't change, not one bit. You'll probably make someone very happy one day.

**Crash-Bash** · January 23rd, 2009, 10:14 AM

Mishi, I've been down that road many a time, it's completely normal. There's nothing wrong with you whatsoever.

You're a special girl, Mishi. Don't let anyone tell you any different. More to that point, you're a friend. I wouldn't want you any other way. If you're unhappy with your life, try looking outside the box...think about what you have, not what you don't have. You'll feel much better.

**hellzblade** · February 5th, 2009, 11:32 AM

Buy a gym membership workout hard, eat clean stop feeling sorry for your life and change it. Life is hard then you die.....so make it a good life you don't have time to sit around complaining about it. Just make sure everyday was a little better than the day before.

I don't mean to sound harsh but it is the truth. And within my profession your hard life is a joke. There are always people who have it much much worse and can get over it.

Good luck! "To live is the rarest thing in the world, most people exist, that is all"

**Karnacht av Visp** · February 5th, 2009, 11:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hellzblade

Buy a gym membership workout hard, eat clean stop feeling sorry for your life and change it. Life is hard then you die.....so make it a good life you don't have time to sit around complaining about it. Just make sure everyday was a little better than the day before.

I don't mean to sound harsh but it is the truth. And within my profession your hard life is a joke. There are always people who have it much much worse and can get over it.

Good luck! "To live is the rarest thing in the world, most people exist, that is all"

You've irked my curiosity as to what your profession is.

**Aprion** · February 5th, 2009, 01:17 PM

Your definately not alone in how you feel. a lot of the things you mentioned i have experianced as well. the fear to date someone because you think they are setting you up for their cruel amusement, yes ive had that happen 3 times. Its devastating for ones confidence. its part of the reason i feel... awkward talking to people i don't know. except online. the anonimity is so liberating.

feeling self concious about your weight, ive struggled with that for a long long time. granted that one is a bit easyer to deal with for me because i am a man. women are under a lot more social pressure. simply because society has creatid this silly idea that all women should be skinny little stick figures. Bah.

but forgive me i feel like im rambling again. just know that your not alone. and if you need a willing ear to talk to, well. drop a note.