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Yeah, they have to talk about it if they want to change the current situation and since they can’t do anything else anyway…
This dialogue may seem awfully cheesy, to simple or resolving things too quickly, but you’ll have to bear with it. I’m not too great when it comes to dialogue and I didn’t want to spend more than one big page until things could progress. Sorry for that.
Yes, I must agree with your own criticism there, it does indeed look like rather stilted dialogue - you might want to work more on that. That is of course personal taste and it is unlikely to severly harm the enjoyment of the story so far, or what happens next.
But still, for me, this is the low point in this story of yours :O
Dialogue could be better - dialogue is hard and always CAN be improved on.
I don't hate this page, in fact, I like it.
There was one goal here - get everything that needs to be said and accomplished done in one page - and you did it.
I'm not saying your thought process was 'omg, I gotta get onto the spanking stuff Noooooow!' but there was a pace that had to be maintained.
It was more like "OMG, I'm already on page nine! If this keeps up it won't be finished before next year chrismas!" This manga kept growing bigger and bigger while I was drawing it.
But yeah, I still lack the ability to create really good dialogue. I haven't tried it that often yet though.
(Well, Macha, not everyone is a talented writer... )
I understand that you don't want to make a story 30+ pages, that would be too much work. Maybe with more planning you could cut down a little on the panels, leave only the most important things, that might enhance the overall effect also.
Actually I think you are already doing a really fine work with it. I only felt at a few places that less would have been almost as good (of course you might loose some detail)
This is just my opinion, but I think these are the things that could have been left out: Behind the Masks 05, the upper two panels (maybe put the lower one on the top of the next page I don't know if it can be done while preserving the effect) Behind the Masks 07 and 08 might have been made with only one page (keeping only the upper left from 07,leaving out 08 lower right ) Behind the Masks 15 could be done with a combination of the upper two panels (though I really like the lower left too) Behind the Masks 16 the lower panels might be left out if you put some explaining text on the next page
I don't know if I'm making any sense, or being any help (witch was my intention ), but please try imagining if you could have made these changes and preserve the details of the story.
Did you draw in some order or first made sketches of all scenes ? (that might be helpful)
Good luck with improving on dialogue and thanks for sharing.
As I said in my final comments, I think the dialogue would sound much better if it wasn't condensed into a single image. Lillian and Eolel talking to each other is an essential part of your story, it shouldn't be hurried.
True
However, overall, this is just one picture of many, and it doesn't really spoil the whole thing at all - since the rest is indeed great.
It'd just be a thing to remember in future works^^
Or so I think. Still loved the whole thing after all.
I did indeed sketch it out first. It was 12 pages then. But once I started I came to think "I should insert a panel here" or "I need to show a different expression for that sentence" or "Another pose would look great here". Before I knew it, I was having 18 pages ^^
