Feedback Request

[lonewolf86]

Hey All,

So I feel like there seems to be a lack of interest in my stories based off the amount of people commenting on them. I know low comment count doesn't mean that people aren't enjoying the story, but lack of feedback has me wondering sometimes.

It feels like I am writing these stories for a handful of people which is making me lose interest in writing. Your comments are what fuel my writing and make me want to continue the stories. I have a few chapter ideas planned for the Overwatch story and a second chapter for the Monster Hunter one but the lack of feedback is turning my interest away from writing and towards other activities I find more satisfying. So in an effort to get back into writing again I was hoping for some input from you guys. I do like interacting with my readers so if you have any questions or comments, please comment or send me a message.

What do you think of my writing in general?
What areas do you think need work?
Do you want to see more non Overwatch stories or focus more on it?

Now that there are eight chapters for the Overwatch Spanking Chronicles:
Which chapter is your favorite and why?
Which chapter is your least favorite and why?
Do you like the direction the story is going? Explain.
Is there a pairing or scenario that you are hoping to see?

Overwatch Spanking Chronicles Chapter 1: https://animeotk.com/forum/downloads...o=file&id=2699
[Monster Hunter] Handling the Handler Chapter 1: https://animeotk.com/forum/downloads...o=file&id=2826
[X-Men] Naughty Kitty: https://animeotk.com/forum/downloads...o=file&id=2758

For alternatives to downloading, you can view my work at:
https://www.fanfiction.net/u/11034286/lonewolf86aotk
https://www.deviantart.com/lonewolf2007a
https://archiveofourown.org/users/lo...uds/lonewolf86

I hope to hear from you guys.

I'm a lurker myself and I know that how there are many others like me. Your writing brings something that we can't get elsewhere. So please keep up the good work.

[lonewolf86]

Thanks Eririri for your encouragement. Would be nice if more lurkers emerged from the shadows though.

[Lonewulf43]

I know I'm reviving an old thread here, but just to voice some thoughts which might make understanding why few people post replies.

First, you HAVE to post links to the stories in question. I know, I've seen that you've posted that twice before, but in this thread you didn't. Just saying. Personally, I find it next to impossible to find your stories from your profile, and doing a search on this website is just as hard. The point being, the EASIER it is for people to find ONE of your stories, the easier it is for people to oblige with a review.

Second, you have to post fewer questions on what you want people to look for. Contrarily in other threads, I don't believe you posted ANY questions, and this thread, you posted too many. I understand the nervousness that prompts the questions, but you have to look at it from a reader's POV; is a whole chicken eaten quicker IN ONE BITE, or ONE BITE AT A TIME?

Decide on one aspect you want a reader to focus on. You'll probably get more nibbles. Again, you want to make it EASIER for people to answer a question. By making too many options, you make your readership question which question they should answer, and in the end, walk away, because they feel they will probably fail answering the question you REALLY want them to answer.

In tandem to this, only ask for a review of one story at a time.

Third, are stories only viewable from downloads, here? Personally, I question downloads. You'd be sadly surprised what programs can be hidden in a text file (even in a picture file too). The point is, if others feel as I do, then that might be why you aren't getting more comments.

To allay some of your anxieties:
It is exactly correct that comment count doesn't reflect readership. Not everybody is vocal, and those that are, usually are negative. Readers are more commonly introverts, so it shouldn't surprise that they are less likely to commentate. Extroverts are more commonly critical and therefore more likely negative. That's only a generalism, of course.

What do you think of my writing in general?
What areas do you think need work?
Most writers could use a second set of eyes to review their stories. However, to be a better writer, you should also try to cast a critical eye on your own work. You should be able to read your own story and think "is this too fast paced?" "Am I getting my point across, or am I beating the dead horse?"
However, if you really want another set of eyes, then you might want to do a little quid pro quo (one hand washes the other). In other words, pair up with another writer and review some of their works. This will make you better at being critical of reading someone else's work, and thereby you'll get better at being critical of your own as well.
(If it helps, writers tend to make the same mistakes repetitively. Once you find yours, then you just have to work on not making them).

Do you want to see more non-Overwatch stories or focus more on it?
Youhave to be your own sounding board in this case. Are you tired of writing it? If so, try expanding your horizons. The usual rule of thumb is; if you like it, there's a chance someone else likes it too! How many? Well, that's another matter. Isn't there some count of how many people have viewed the files, or opened the download page??? That should let you know how many people are interested in your subject matter.

The rest of your questions can only be answered by actual readers. If you want to ask one of these "which chapter is better/worse" questions, I'd suggest posting only one of these in tandem with a chapter specific question (but make it a "please answer ONE of these questions"). The reason is, that if someone is a first time reader, they won't be able to answer it, despite that they wanted to commentate. Alternatively, if the reader is a repeat reader, then they will be able to answer the multiple chapter question.

Easier, simpler.
This is the way most people like to read/respond. For instance, one of my weaknesses as a writer is being too verbose. You might have noticed by my wall of text reply to your one line questions. Most people don't like this and it assaults their eyes instead of simply addressing the question at hand. However, there are different ways to fix a situation, and mine lately is to break a wall of text into smaller bite-sized paragraphs, which, hopefully, readers can more easily take in.
'nuff said.

[lonewolf86]

First: Fair point...

Overwatch Spanking Chronicles Chapter 1: https://animeotk.com/forum/downloads...o=file&id=2699
[Monster Hunter] Handling the Handler Chapter 1: https://animeotk.com/forum/downloads...o=file&id=2826
[X-Men] Naughty Kitty: https://animeotk.com/forum/downloads...o=file&id=2758

Second: Another fair point. In the future I will post fewer and more targeted questions. As far as the chicken remark, guess it depends on how big your mouth is lol.

Third: Yes, stories are viewable only via the downloads section. I can sympathize with the not wanting to download a file not knowing if there is malware lurking within it.

For alternatives to downloading, you can view my work at:
https://www.fanfiction.net/u/11034286/lonewolf86aotk
https://www.deviantart.com/lonewolf2007a
https://archiveofourown.org/users/lo...uds/lonewolf86

I agree with the points you have brought up. The problem with stats here is that it only tracks how many people have downloaded the file. People can download the file and never read it. The other sites have better stat tracking. They do count views, but the same person can view the same file 20 times and it would track it as far as I know. One of the sites, I don't remember which one off the top of my head, can track repeat visitors which is nice.

I think if I was to critique someone's writing, I'd want them to be critical because I would be that way with them. Some people can't handle being critical enough or being criticized though. Being too verbose is better than being to vague. I appreciate the time and effort of your response and will put to use what you have mentioned. Thank you for your response

[Lonewulf43]

This is more of a 'second set of eyes' review, instead of addressing your questions.

Grammarly

First, I went to archiveofourown to read the story, which had horrible double spacing between paragraphs, which felt like speed bumps while reading. For my own ease, and since it's easier for me to make notes, I copy/pasted the text to my own document file. Yes, I noted that the other link didn't double space between paragraphs, but you might want to address this issue on the one website. The more 'speed bumps' a reader has to go over will make the reader less inclined to enjoy reading the story.


Second, you have a tendency to do what I do; use past and present tense horribly. For reference, while it isn't exactly WRONG to use present tense for a story (some accomplished authors have done so incredibly well), unless you are transitioning between the past and present, it's best to stick with one, and more commonly with the past.



As a rule of thumb, -ING is present, -ED is past.
For example:
“Man I love crushing noobs like this.” She thought to herself.
'crushing' is present, while 'thought' is past tense. To correct, you might take out the -ing and phrasing it as "Man, I love to crush noobs like this," she thought to herself.


Third, In the above example, note I added a comma after 'man' and at the end of the thought, or quote. I'm not really savvy on correcting this, but the school of thought is that 'she thought to herself' is a TAG, which is sort of an amendment to a prefaced quote, or in other words, the TAG is part of the quote, and isn't itself; a sentence (Note, you do this in some of the rest of the story, so you must realize this, but lack consistency). 'Man' is an exclamation, and therefore should be followed by a comma. Just like when you say a statement including a person's name, the person's name should be separated from the rest of the sentence with a comma.


Forth, less critical but it's a pet peeve of mine, I like to put a comma before 'but', 'or', and 'and'. This is a changing concept as there are some who debate whether that is proper grammar, or not. It's old school, and I resemble that remark.


Fifth, common for comic books (and forums), but not in literature, is multiple punctuation marks. I understand you are trying to express more by noting it, but try to do with words what you are trying to short-cut with multiple punctuation. As such, when you have a TAG like, "Hana exclaimed." it's redundant to add the punctuation within the quote. In such an instance, you can either drop the TAG, or drop the punctuation. However, you should note that putting exclamations too often makes the impact of an exclamation less meaningful.
In tandem to this, not that I noted you did it, but to note one of my failings, try to avoid putting more than one emotion in a sentence. More often than not, it simply confuses the reader.



Sixth, I don't know how to describe it in grammar terms, but in this sentence "Hana being far more skilled, already started scouting and countering the novices forces." is an example of what you do often. Specifically, 'already started.' To say it like one of my teachers used to say to me "Can you start, without alreadying?" You could say "...already to scout..." or "...started to scout..." but it sounds excessive (and thereby incorrect (well, not 'incorrect' but perhaps awkward, and thereby could be phrased better)) to say it the way you have.


Please note that this can also be applied to doubled words "that, that" and in general the excessive use of "that" by itself. In American english, it's become popular to use 'that' excessively. Simply put, any time you see it, try to say the sentence without it, out loud, and see if it sounds correct without its use.



Seventh, try not to end a sentence with "though." I don't know why, but David Tennent and/or the writers Dr. Who, fairly lampooned... some fan who I won't name ...by criticizing his use of though at the end of sentences which he did fairly often. It's probably just an awkward use that they were harping on, over this heavily critical fan who used "though" an awful lot. I only noted that you used it once, but it's better that you probably try to avoid it, though.


Eighth, while I had already noted this example earlier (for a different reason), I'll mention it again, “A spanking!?! You can't be serious!” is literarily incorrect. She is quoting him, so it should be phrased as "'A spanking?' You can't be serious," Hana exclaimed.

Likewise for Jack's reply. A single apostrophe before and after is used to quote someone, without a set of quotes.


Ninth, try to avoid putting more than one character prominently within each paragraph. For example:
Hana then let Jack through the door and followed him to the living room. Jack then took off his jacket and draped it across the back of the couch. Jack then moved to the front of the couch and sat in the middle of it. Hana nervously stood to the right of Jack waiting for his instructions.

In this paragraph, Hana starts out prominently, then it switches to Jack, only to switch back to Hana. While not incorrect, as such, it can be confusing for the average reader. It would be better to show it as:
¶ Hana does this action.
¶ Jack does this action.
¶ Hana does this action.



Tenth, whimpered, not wimpered.


Eleventh,

...Hana cried out. As the heavy spanks...
...Hana cried out, as the heavy spanks...
Probably something you overlooked.


Twelfth, as a rule of thumb, when writing any script, story, or article, don't use numbers to describe time. Spell it out.

not "...1pm..."

but "...one o'clock in the afternoon..."


Thirteenth, try not to use an ellipses (...) to describe someone stuttering. It is purportedly more literary to use a dash. Please note that I should not be the one who preaches this point, but I am simply reiterating what others have told me.


Fourteenth, *sob* is great for forums, text messages, and comic books, however it isn't very literary.


Fifteenth, Jack reponded 'nuff said.


Sixteenth, are you British, or Canadian? Cheques vs Checks.

Stylistically

You can tell me to "go drop, and hang" as each writer's style is their own thumbprint; unique in the way they present it, but just to voice some abstract thoughts as I was reading...


Seventeenth, you tend to use euphemisms, or colloquialisms in quotes. THIS IS NOT INCORRECT. Some authors have made quite a splash by using colloquialisms in quoted text, and even going as far as emphasizing dialects in same. You might want to reconsider some of it, because saying "F U" looks like someone started saying 'potty language' and either got censored or that they were interrupted mid-statement. Opposed to that, you might want to consider "eff you." as an alternative. Opposed to that again, you might want to try to describe what it is you are really trying to say:
"F U, jerk," displayed across Hana's screen, right before her opponent rage quit.


Technically speaking, anything said within quotes is fair game to break each, and every grammar rule. In such an instance, you can do anything you want, but you should weigh it against how the reader might interpret it. Realize that the reader might not be as savvy as you'd like them to be Again, this is an instance that YOU ARE NOT INCORRECT. Some authors have been brutal by being vague in the way they describe a scene, or dialog. You have to write to your readership.



Eighteenth, the opening is a little slow. You preamble a lot with unnecessary information that never gets picked up later in the story, which begs the question, why is it there? I realize, this is a chapter, and not a story, but it's a standalone story and therefore shouldn't wax and wane over topics that aren't pertinent to the immediate story. You may want to, briefly, get into auxiliary characters that will get picked up in later installments, but remember what you want to do: get to THIS story.



In tandem to this, treat every reader as a first time reader. Are all these girls attending college? Even the 33, and 38 year old (by one website you list)??? Are some attending while the others are just friends bearing the economic load? These are questions a reader might ask (I know I did).


Nineteenth, I'm not familiar with the character(s), but in many places, you make Hana seem meek and mild. Very submissive.

Quite fetching for a spanking story, to a degree. but it seems you are trying to describe two characterizations at once. She's spunky, and forthright, crowing how she wants to stomp on 'noobs' then she seems meek, and mild when she has to get over his knee. I'd expect her to be a little more of a hellcat, being more sassy when she says "Yes, sir." She doesn't seem like the type who succumbs easily to being traditionally disciplined, and while a little more "Fine, fine. I want to stay here no matter what, so I'll take whatever discipline you think is necessary, but what exactly do you have in mind?"


In that light, I don't know if you were trying to foreshadow events, but I suggest you not to reiterate yourself from a couple paragraphs, or a page before. It just comes across as filler for word count.

****

Overall, the flow of the story wasn't bad at all. You kept the tempo moving, and the story was fairly interesting. It wasn't exactly to my taste as I like a spankee who looks for her spankings, instead of avoiding them. I also like a more lengthy narrative. And the cliff hanger... SOOOO not fair!!! Some don't like them at all.

I'm not sure it's necessary to note F/F and M/F when you've already stated X/F. This particular chapter doesn't have anything other than M/F so stating otherwise might make some readers quite cross in the "false/misleading expectations" realm of things.


Please note all of the above is based on American literary MBTS(?) format. Formats change in Canada, and England.

[lonewolf86]

Thanks for taking the time to look at the first chapter of my Overwatch story. It was my first attempt at writing fiction and the story has evolved a fair bit since the first chapter. But to respond to each of your points:

First: I'll fix the double spacing when I get the chance. Wish I could just copy and paste my text to the sites and keep the formatting. Not sure if there is a way of not.

Second: I probably do the past and present tense usage wrong throughout my chapters. But why wouldn't what the person says be present tense and the Tag bit be in past?

Third: I think the lack of the comma was an oversight that was missed during my proof reading.

Fourth: My dinosaur of an English teacher taught us that the comma was optional, so I don't use it.

Fifth: I think I cut down on the multiple punctuation marks in the future chapters but still use the TAG after with the punctuation too. I'll try to fix this going forward.

Sixth: I'll try to fix the awkwardness of some of the phrasing.

Seventh: I'm not sure how often I use though at the end of a sentence but I'll try not to end a sentence with it.

Eighth: A quote within a quote, missed that instance of her quoting him. Not sure if I've had that problem in later chapters.

Ninth: Character prominence in a paragraph isn't something I've thought of and will try to fix in the future.

Tenth: Spelling error missed in proof read, oops.

Eleventh: Yep, overlooked indeed.

Twelvth: I will spell out numbers in the future.

Thirteenth: Never thought of dashes as a stutter, I'll fix going forward.

Fourteenth: Will fix in the future if I haven't already. *sob*

Fifteenth: I definitely need someone else to proof read to catch all my errors.

Sixteenth: Canadian

Seventeenth: I do use euphemisms and colloquialisms throughout the story but I think the example that your provided wasn't implemented as well as the rest of them.

Eighteenth: As this was my first fiction ever, I assumed my reader base was already familiar with Overwatch. I agree, I should have assumed my readers aren't familiar at all. The openening was slow due to me being an inexperienced writer and definitely left some questions unanswered.

Nineteenth: I think I poorly placed my idea of how she behaves and how she should behave together. Not sure if I did a better job in later chapters however.

I use cliff hangers a fair bit, maybe too much? The story has shifted from have a spanking in every chapter for whatever reason to have a chapter telling a story that happens to have a spanking in it.The M/F, F/F and X/F tagging for the story was meant to be for the story at large not the particular chapter. I think it may have been my unfamiliarity with the website leading to the mistake.

Thanks for the second set of eyes review, I greatly appreciate it.

[Lonewulf43]

No worries. Writers do this for each other when we have the chance. Paying it forward as it is. I'm hardly accomplished myself, and probably just one step ahead of you, but I try to pass along what I can. Not sure if you noticed my humor and self effacing to temper the critique. I hate using emojis and sometimes folks don't hear the humor in my words alone.

I'm glad you received it as intended.

First: I'd think it should be fairly simple to go back and edit, but some websites don't like people going in and editing, because, if they review what you post, then they have to double the amount of reviewing to see what you've changed, which makes some surly.

Second: Honestly, I don't know. You'd have to ask that of a better writer than me. I take the simple tack and just make it all past tense so it doesn't come up on their (reviewers/editors) radar. I know there are exceptions, because the very word "spanking" is one of those exceptions, but why and when, I haven't a clue.

Fourth: Hey now! What does that make me, dirt??? (because nothing is older than dirt)

Tenth: Sometimes, if you don't have a "second set of eyes" (there IS a proper term for a person who does this, but it escapes me), it sometimes helps if you read the finished story out loud. just take your time and read it out loud slowly. Oddly enough, it works!

Sixteenth: Aha!!!

If you were adding each successive chapter to the first, I'd think it isn't much to do about the X/F M/F F/F tags, but if they are posted in different locations, then I'd suggest amending tags to be only inclusive on each chapter. Some readers can get mighty surly about such things.

Thanks for receiving it as I had intended. I can probably read up on other of your chapters and stories, but it's quite draining for me. I can't say exactly when, but I'll see what I can do.

For reference, there is another website I use that might be able to help you polish your skills better than my hacking at it, however I hate posting other websites as a rule of thumb.

---------- Post added at 08:57 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:34 PM ----------

Just realize that some don't like lengthy stories. As well, some might only want to read F/F stories, so by putting too much information into one chapter than it really contains, might be dissuading folks from reading your story. I know a good handful of folks who only like one page stories, they put the 'short' in short stories.

[lonewolf86]

One step ahead is still enough to give good advice. I'm pretty sure I caught at least some of your humour.

One day when I get time I'll try to edit the story and try to fix the various issues tagging included. The tags are different on each site. Some sites you can tag each chapter while others, it's the story as a whole. (If I remember correctly.)

Pretty sure my English teacher is older than you if she's still kicking lol.

Peer reader maybe? Editor?

I'd love it if you read my other chapters and stories. I wouldn't expect you to hunt for all my spelling or grammatical errors. I would appreciate any further feedback or insights you may have.

Well, instead of posting the website, you can message it to me if you feel more comfortable doing that?

I'm not really sure if my stories would be considered a lengthy story or not. I can understand that some only want one type of pairing or another in a story. I don't think it would be possible for me to ever write a one page short story, it's not my style at all.

Thanks again

[Lonewulf43]

Beta Readers! Hah! Take that dwindling memory!!! (Actually, I couldn't remember but remembered at least who said it last and did a search to find out the term)

A Beta Reader, is a person who doesn't do editing as much as look for continuity errors or simply logic gaps in a story line.
As it was described to me:

It's kind of a fuzzy thing, but to me it's someone who will read the story over and give me impressions of what works and what doesn't, point out any plot holes or character inconsistencies, things like that. Not looking for copy/editing (punctuation and such), although any observations on that are welcome as well.

Oh, and if your teacher is now in her 60's then she and I might be about the same age. I like being my age, I wasn't seriously upset at anything implied or otherwise.


Believe it or not, all stories are short stories, unless they are novels. I'm not sure where the dividing line is between the two, but a short story could be several paragraphs long, or twenty five (book) pages long. "Pages" is also a nebulous definition because webpages can amount to three or four written pages.