[Sping 2020 GAME JAM] Velvet Paws CH1: Museum Meeting

[Arnal]

Here is my entry for the Spring 2020 Game Jam.

It's a superhereo-themed CYOA adventure based on "The Scandalous Scarlet Moon" by aka.

It takes place in the same universe, but in a different town. You play as Velvet Paws, a recently superpowered young woman who uses her newfound abilities to steal for money.

According to the theme, in that first episode she's been tasked to launch a heist on the town's national history museum. But costumed vigilante are on the rise, and they would not let such a heinous crime go unpunished...

Being made for the Jam, the game a bit short right now (around 15-choices deep), and ends on a cliffhanger. The spanking content is also relatively low, being more the consequence of the action than the action itself. You can be both on the giving and the receiving end, but are more likely end up in the second case. It's F/F only, as every character introduced so far is female.

It's created with Twine, and pretty basic design-wise as it's the first time I use that software: its plain blocks of text linked by multiple choice. More complex programming tools would probably be needed if I keep the story going, but it would be a bit overkill for a story that simple.

You can find the file here: http://www.mediafire.com/file/nhl8w5...aw_Ch1.7z/file

please let me know what you think of it!



EDIT 04/11/20: New version: same chapter, but include many stylistic corrections and a few more pages. Velvet_Paw_Ch1_v1.3

[AnarianElf1085]

A good, solid start. There are some tense/flow problems, but it's an interesting beginning to be sure. I'd be interested to see what happens next.

[aka]

Hey, cool you got your game done in time for the Game Jam! I had a ton of fun with this. It was silly and sexy, and follows a lot of the same patterns I use in my game. Inspiring people to make games in the style I like so that I can play them is kind of one of my reasons for writing Scarlet Moon in the first place. Glad to see that panning out!


Anyway, some feedback. These are basically notes I took as I played, so they're a bit stream of consciousness, but hopefully coherent.



First, I don't see anywhere an indication that this is licensed under CC-BY-SA? Not strictly necessary, because you're not actually using any of my stuff in the game itself. But it would be nice to see that if you do want it to be in the Scarlet Moon universe. If you're unsure how to license your game, let me know and I'll happily help you with it (it's not hard, just need a blurb somewhere at the beginning or end indicating the license). I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything. I just want to make it easy for myself and others to use material that exists in the Scarlet Moon universe. Once it's licensed, do you mind if I host your game on my site, under the short spanking games section? I will, of course give you all proper credit for your wonderful characters!


Whalopolis as a city name amuses me. Clearly a play on Whallop, but not so obvious
I cringe.

Clouds "hung" above the sky, not "hanged." "Hanged" is only used for the past
tense of execution by hanging:

"The clouds hung above the city on the day the murderer was hanged for crimes most foul."

Loved the description of the museum. Could stand to be broken into a couple more sentences,
but absolutely lovely.

A few sentences were a bit awkward. For example, "However, this seemingly old fashioned appearance hid a lot of modern utilities, in particular in the domain of security"
is a little bit awkward. I would suggest rewording as follows: "The old fashioned appearance belied many a
modern utility, especially state of the art security."

A bit of generic advice: Most of the time, I find that you can replace phrases like "starting to X" with just `Xed." For example, instead of ", her supernaturally enhanced reflexes started to kick in", it can be "her supernatural reflexes kicked in." This usually says the same thing, and is much more concise. The only time I keep "starting to" when I'm editing my work is if something is going to be interrupted, for example (not actual game text):

"Her supernatural instincts started to kick in, when a wave of ... *something* washed over her. Her stomach did backflips, and she realized with dawning horror that someone had turned off, or blocked her powers."

"alterning" should be "alternating" when dealing with the guard.

"as she finished to bind" shoul be "finished binding."

Generally, the prose could benefit from being split up into more sentences. I'm guilty of crafting these kinds of run on sentences too, and I have to work really hard to split them up.

"she managed to localize her goal" should be "she managed to locate her goal."

Razorback is great. Mostly because I can just imagine how *infuriated* Buzzsaw would be to meet this
"cheap knock-off" (her words, not mine)/ I can also imagine people getting Razorback confused with Buzzsaw, and pissing both of them off.
Clearly, somebody somewhere needs to write a game/fiction where Razorback and Buzzsaw meet, sparks fly and then they team up to wreak
unholy havoc that can only be stopped by Supernova and Scarlet Moon. Obviously of course, Scarlet Moon needs to the snarky Spider-Man version
to play off of Supernova's Silver Age Superman motif. Obviously.


Oh my God, when Velvet Paw is snarking off to Supernova, I just about died...

Is it weird if I'm hoping Supernova and Velvet Paw eventually start a relationship, with an exasperated
Supernova trying (and failing, repeatedly) to keep Velvet Paw on the straight and narrow, and an
exasperated Velvet Paw trying (and failing, repeatedly) to keep Supernova from finding out about
her escapades?

If you try to talk your way out of the Supernova predicament when she first shows up, you end up with
a generic description that looks like an outline you intended to replace.

Love the roleplaying options. And this isn't just because I abuse them like crazy. For realsies.

At one point you say "Vevet Paws" instead of "Velvet Paws" (note the missing 'l' in 'Vevet').


Does Velvet Paw actually have stats that impact your choices right now, or is that a feature you plan on adding later?



All in all, this was a *ton* of fun. Definitively feels right at home in the Scarlet Moon universe.

[Arnal]

@AKA: thanks!

Actually, I wouldn't mind having some help for the licencing. I was planning on having a blurb on the title page, but given that my current buid don't even have one of those, I didn't see where to put it. Maybe in a text file in the archive?

The speech option from the first choice against SN is a mistake, I just corrected it. I couldn't find on time a snappy enough dialog that gave all the intel I wanted, so I just removed the option. Now Idea how I put it back, but it should be gone again now. I might add it later, though, as Supernova's weakness to backtalk is an exploitable feature later on.

I'll also try to correct the writing mistakes, but maybe not today. I worked on that project all week and I think I need some fresh air right now. I know I have a lot of verbal tics, especially in english, so I try to diversify my expression as much as I can.

Also I didn't know that "belie" existed, so thanks for that.

I had a lot of fun writing Supernova/Velvet interaction. To be honest, I'm planning to have velvet team up with some "good" guys on later chapters, but not necessarily Big Star herself; i feel they are just too good as opponents.

Razorback is obviously a Buzzsaw knock-off. Even her Red Girl nickname for SN is based on the "Glowgirl" from Buzz (i was planning on make her say "Big Star" at first, but I realized it made no sense as 1)that's Velvet's schtick and 2) SN is in no way Big compared to Razor). I have been thinking of calling her "Power Tool", but it would have been a bit too much, and besides that should be reserved as a snarky nickname for Buzzsaw.

There is no mechanics implemented right now. The first thing I wanted to use was a skill system like the one in Scarlet Moon, with four skills (Strong, Speed, Smart, Speech) that rise as you use them, and some action result would be dependent on the skill level, with the clever one always working, and the really dumb ones always failing regardless. But I am not sure about the pertinence of theses 4, alliterative appeal aside (and I love alliteration, as you may have noticed): Strong and Speed, in particular tend to not be all that well split. But in any case, there was not enough successive actions to make a difference in that chapter: it was better to give clear-cut choices and let the reader realize which options would work or not (I hope my choices weren't to farfetched in that regard, were they?)

I'm also thinking of having a "personality meter", to show the cat-themed split between her "thrill seeking and fun loving" side and her "dark, cool and snarky" side. It would evolve based on roleplay choice (like the sentence in the first page) and actions (like the plan chosen in the second page), but I am not sure how to use that stat later on.

Finally, an inventory would be nice, given Velvet's reliance on gadgets, but once again, not necessary in that first chapter (as we are starting in media res anyway)

On a last note, now I'm conflicted: I had initially written the name as Velvet PawS (plural), because she has more than one; but now I'm thinking that Velvet Paw (singular) actually sounds much better. What do you think?

[aka]

Originally Posted by Arnal

@AKA: thanks!

Actually, I wouldn't mind having some help for the licencing. I was planning on having a blurb on the title page, but given that my current buid don't even have one of those, I didn't see where to put it. Maybe in a text file in the archive?

A LICENSE text file in the archive would satisfy me. One advantage of having a title page is that I could just throw up the HTML file up on my website and people wouldn't have to download and unarchive anything. The title page doesn't have to be anything fancy. Just some text with the license, and a line that says something like "Velvet Paw takes place in the same universe as the Scandalous Scarlet Moon by aka, at spankingrpgs.com", followed by a "Continue." link.


Heck you can even put the "Continue" link at the very top so that people don't have to even pretend to read it!


But again, this is all up to you.

I'll also try to correct the writing mistakes, but maybe not today. I worked on that project all week and I think I need some fresh air right now.

Take your time. I always take a couple of weeks after releasing new content. Heck, it's been about a month I think since I released episode 4 and I'm only just now starting on episode 5. Making a video game is a hobby, one that can easily keep you occupied for years. There's no rush, and no obligations.

Originally Posted by Arnal

I have been thinking of calling her "Power Tool", but it would have been a bit too much, and besides that should be reserved as a snarky nickname for Buzzsaw.

I think your instincts were right on the nose here. Besides, Razorback is a far better name than "Power Tool," and it fits her perfectly.

There is no mechanics implemented right now. The first thing I wanted to use was a skill system like the one in Scarlet Moon, with four skills (Strong, Speed, Smart, Speech) that rise as you use them, and some action result would be dependent on the skill level, with the clever one always working, and the really dumb ones always failing regardless. But I am not sure about the pertinence of theses 4, alliterative appeal aside (and I love alliteration, as you may have noticed): Strong and Speed, in particular tend to not be all that well split. But in any case, there was not enough successive actions to make a difference in that chapter: it was better to give clear-cut choices and let the reader realize which options would work or not (I hope my choices weren't to farfetched in that regard, were they?)

I thought the choices worked really well. I always felt like I was making an informed choice based on the hints you dropped of everyone's strengths and weaknesses. They also all seemed like something a superpowered catburglar with little respect for fragile things being chased by a Brick would do.



I *do* think that a strength stat doesn't make much sense for Velvet Paws. She's just not a strength-based character, and I don't see her trying to get into a straight up fight if she can avoid it. I think you could drop Strength, and have just Speed, Smart, and Speech. I've found three stats to be a good balance between player choices and keeping a game's complexity under control.

I'm also thinking of having a "personality meter", to show the cat-themed split between her "thrill seeking and fun loving" side and her "dark, cool and snarky" side. It would evolve based on roleplay choice (like the sentence in the first page) and actions (like the plan chosen in the second page), but I am not sure how to use that stat later on.

I would pick one or the other. Either the SSS(S) statistics, or the personality meter. Again, to keep the game's complexity under control.


If you went with the personality meter, I would use it to unlock certain choices. Like, there are options the player wouldn't even *see* unless she's far enough along the personality scale. For example, maybe she can throw out some *really* nasty comments if she's "dark, cool and snarky.", or maybe she only gets the really risky "run along the power line" option if you're really thrill seeking.


Personally though, I would just stick to the SSS(S). I don't like directly tying gameplay to personality, because I feel like that can interfere with the player's ability to properly roleplay. For example, in Robin Pierce's Dianne's Promotion book, I *really* want to play a thick-skulled, stubborn, bratty Dianne who just can't/won't bend to the town's demands. But you won't get very far if you try to actually play the game like that (as opposed to just treating it as a plain old CYOA).

Finally, an inventory would be nice, given Velvet's reliance on gadgets, but once again, not necessary in that first chapter (as we are starting in media res anyway)

Again, if I were you I would either have an inventory or have statistics, but not both. I find that if you give the player too many options, and too many mechanics, you end up spending months writing variations on the same scene over and over again, and that's *really* disheartening.

On a last note, now I'm conflicted: I had initially written the name as Velvet PawS (plural), because she has more than one; but now I'm thinking that Velvet Paw (singular) actually sounds much better. What do you think?

I like Velvet Paw, personally. Kind of like Red Claw from Batman The Animated Series. Easier to say too.

[Wildfire]

Great game, liked how you are able to tell which option to pick so you wont get caught from the hints in the story, looking forward to see what you come up with in the future

[Arnal]

Hello everybody!


After a long hiatus, I just finished and posted a new vesion of the CYOA chapter I developped for game Jam last spring.


No major change here, just a few tweaks and some polish.


Among the main changes:
- I added a title page at the beginning with an introduction to explain the concept of the game.
-The skill system has been revamped, from 4 skills to 6.
-The "speech" option against supernova is back
-Some large text blocks have been broken down in several smaller ones to give a better pacing.
-in general, I tried to improve the quality of the writing and presentation


I hope you like it!

[aka]

Was a link for the new version posted? I don't see any title screen, or any sign of the new skills.

[Arnal]

@aka: maybe you took the old version? I kept the original message as is (link to the old version included) and added an EDIT message at the end with a link to the new version

[aka]

Ah, yes. Missed the link at the very bottom.